he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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