You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
