i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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