I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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