a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
