My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
