The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
