Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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