can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
