I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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