I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Did I show you my penis last night?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
