so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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