Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
