either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
