her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
