Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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