and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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