dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
