just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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