just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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