toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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