My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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