Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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