Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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