12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
