I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
