so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
