Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
