Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
