On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
