toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
