If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
