He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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