i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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