WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I am spending my child support on dildos
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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