My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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