I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
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Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
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Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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