My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
