I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I had to cum in my sink.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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