cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
