Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
