is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
