man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
