I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You left your phone here
Wait...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
