Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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