Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
