I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
