Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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