This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
