apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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