I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
