Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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