you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
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im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
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I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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