he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
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dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
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we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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